~ Anxiously Seeking ~

Well here it is. A post that speaks to the title of this blog. The things that led me here, and the things I want for myself in the future. This post will be inherently a little more personal and a little more specifically about religion (or my journey in), so if that’s not your jam, feel free to catch the next post :) If you’re here for it, then, carry on.

In today’s world, I’m not sure I even like being associated with the “Christian” label at times. Many people associate Christians with many negative things, including but not limited to: non-empathetic, agenda pushers, who evangelize maybe to a fault that their one interpretation of an ancient text is correct. And truly, there’s a spectrum of believers that does include some of those people, but also includes people who are not those things. People who hear others’ sides of things and try to understand how legislation will affect all people, not just a small group. People who find beauty in the idea that America was supposed to be a melting pot of religion and ideas, having left the previous government for lack of religious freedom. People who understand they may not have all the answers. But, I digress…

My point is, all of the changes in the last few years with the influence of media, as well as my own growth and searching for what my own beliefs are, I have questioned things and begun to try and rebuild my faith in terms of what I believe for myself; losing harmful things I might have seen or been told before that I am leaving behind. Sometimes this process is called deconstruction and reconstruction, or just a finding of your own faith. Somewhere I read or heard the concept of “faith becoming your own, and not that of your father’s”. Which I think is the case of most beliefs and morals as people grow up, you must decide for yourself what you believe in and stand for and what that looks like for you in your everyday life. We all tend to grow up with the beliefs of our families and parents because that’s the environment we are raised in, but at a certain point think for ourselves and reject or keep (or a mixed bag in most cases) the viewpoints we hold. [Truly this goes for all things, not just religion, even the little things like how you put dishes in the dishwasher, or organize the pantry.]

Part of this process of questioning and critically thinking, involved (and continues to involve, because I don’t have anything solid formed from one day to the next most of the time) for me, lots of reading and listening. Truly listening to other people with other viewpoints and thinking about it, not just arguing with them about it. A lot of trying to decide how things fit together and what things are worth “keeping” as far as ideology and theologies. I tend to relate to music in an easy way; music also tends to hit me most emotionally with me over spoken words or other teaching methods. Or, while contemplating an idea I hear songs and think, yep, that’s it, that’s what I want in my “keep” pile. Two songs in the religious realm I continue to come back to and that have spoken to me the most are It is Well With My Soul and Indescribable. Two very different songs, from very different back stories and artists, from two very different times. However, there’s things I think are so beautiful about each I want to share, and maybe you’ll get something from them too. (It’s OK if you also think I’m crazy by the end, I might be that as well.)

It is Well With My Soul is one of those classic hymns that when I think back on growing up in a traditional church, I’m filled with warmth. There’s something about a pipe organ and a good spiritual lyric that’ll get ya if it means anything at all to you. Anywho, I always liked the sentiment that despite the troubles of the world, I could rest easy knowing that my soul was at peace now and in the life to come. And one day, faith shall be sight. Fast forward a few years, I met my now husband, and we were discussing old hymns (you know, as early 20-somethings do on a romantic date). He asked me if I had ever heard the story behind the writing of this particular hymn, which I had not. The Reader’s Digest version is this: Horatio Spafford was a successful dude, until he lost his fortune in the Great Chicago Fire. His son dies at this time of illness and Horatio and his family set to move to England to start their next endeavor. He sends his wife and daughters (4 of them) ahead of him. Their ship is involved in some sort of accident and sinks, causing many people to lose their lives, including all his daughters. His wife survives. He boards a ship immediately to England and asks the captain to point out to him the area where the boat with his daughters aboard had gone down. In the approximate location of the wreck site, he writes this hymn. Here’s the first verse to really put the cherry on top:

“When peace like a river attendeth my way /

When sorrows like sea billows roll /

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say /

It is well, it is well with my soul”

Uhh, what. This man lost nearly everything, and still writes this hymn that says, no matter my circumstances, you have taught me to say It is well with my soul. He clings to the promises he believes in for himself and for his perished children. Oof. Just think about that for a minute. I know for certain I don’t have this type of faith. But, for me now, this song becomes a sort of prayer of mine “God help me to say and believe ‘it is well’”; I pray I have the faith to continue to seek and look for the good in a situation. I hope that no matter what happens I rest in the knowledge that I will be OK in the end. Whether that’s in this life or the next, there’s something bigger than the situation I am in. I now have a reminder of this prayer tattooed on my foot, because it’s realllllllly easy to get caught up in the junk of this world, and sometimes I need a visual reminder for what I’m striving for.

The other song, Indescribable, written in 2004 simply speaks to what I want to “keep” and believe about God as a basis to my everyday life. I was reminded of this song a couple weeks ago at church and I was emotional during the whole thing. Those that speak about God as a wrathful, judging God, who we are afraid of making angry; the “turn or burn” God doesn’t sound like the same loving parent that he is also sometimes described to be. So, this is part of the “junk” we have to unpack for ourselves. We can wrestle with certain imagery in the text about this being the type of God that created us, but I don’t think this is the type of God I look for or seek to emanate in the world. Instead I love the words of this song:

“Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go? /

Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow /

Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light? /

Yet, conceals it to bring us the coolness of night /

None can fathom /

Indescribable, uncontainable /

You placed the starts in the sky and you know them by name /

You are amazing, God.

Incomparable, unchangeable /

You see the depths of my heart /

And You love me the same.”

I much prefer this person, who loves and creates for the joy of it, and takes care of the things he has created to the best of his abilities. A God of love, a God who enjoys watching his creation play out and explore the world he built. I want to believe this about a God who I cannot see physically, or speak to directly. When I think of my own parents, I don’t always need to talk to them daily to see them around me. Whether it’s something in a store I think they would like, or something in my house that reminds me of them, or lord help me, a mannerism that makes me see my mom in myself (haha), they are present without being physically present. When I look for these little signs of God around me, I want it to be the beauty and mystery of nature that they carefully constructed, people taking care of each other, and the giggles of children. Not in people fighting over who is most right, or who has interpreted an old text most correctly, or judging and further marginalizing the marginalized. After all, they {God} see the depths of my heart and love me the same, and shouldn’t we be doing that for others if we’re trying to be like our God? I choose to err on the side of treating everyone with kindness, fighting for people’s freedoms when they cannot, and loving my neighbor, no matter if I agree with their lifestyle or not.

Maybe there’s something here that helps you. Maybe there’s not. I also just need a place to put down my own thoughts on where I’m at, and what I’m constructing for myself. I hope you have songs that speak to you about things you believe in, and make you feel deep feels because that’s one of the things I love about music the most. Do you have beliefs you are trying to flesh out for yourself? How many times have you thought about what you believe and if it makes sense to you, and truly been OK to make changes and tweaks to it? Because after all, it’s OK to grow, think critically, wrestle, and ultimately change your mind.