When All You Have Left Are the Memories

Well hello again, it's been a while since I put my feelings or thoughts down on paper. Things have have crazy, busy, messy, and at times, oppressing. I find myself now in this odd spot of being the most senior member of my direct line on my mother's side. As my previous posts have indicated, my mom passed away 2 and a half years ago after a battle with ovarian cancer. At that time, and since then, my grandmother was still living. Which, as a quick aside, to watch both of your grandmothers in your lifetime bury one of their children is a little slice of hell I never wanted to experience. Especially as my grandmother sat at my mom's bedside and said "you've been a great daughter and I love you so much. I'm sorry the end had to be so crappy for you" - talk about my heart being crushed into a million pieces as a daughter, as a granddaughter, and as a mother feeling all of the grief heavy and palpable in the room. Either way, until mid-January of this year my grandmother was still with us, and while her memory was slipping, it felt comforting to still have her here as a tie to my mom and to my childhood which is filled with so many memories of her, my papa, and my mom. Now that that tie is gone, it feels a little like I "need an adultier adult" to help me navigate the waters. This is not to say that I don't still have many good and supportive people in my life, including all of my mom's siblings, my dad, etc., it just feels a little different. So now, I've been in many conversations with my mom's siblings about grandma's service and how things will look, and we were asked by the minister to jot down some thoughts on our memories of grandma for her celebration of life that is coming later this spring when the family can all travel to be together. At first I thought "10/10 grandma, one of the best I could have asked for" case closed. But of course, I am not wired this way; to say something simply or jot down bullet points on a topic such as this. It feels especially different to be grieving in this "vacuum" of sorts where her death did not come as a full surprise - she lived 97 wonderful years, but at a time in which it was better for the family to wait to have services until later due to many reasons. I never fully realized the impact on closure that a service allows for, until this type of "floating" loss exists; I am sad and grieving at the loss of my grandmother, but I haven't cried with my cousins, sang her favorite hymns, and laid her to rest in the garden with grandpa and mom yet to feel like it's fully real. So below are the thoughts and memories I "submitted" to be officially on the record about an incredible woman who made such an impact on me, and whom I will miss so incredibly much..

"As the youngest grandchild I reaped the benefits of having grandma fully retired and still full of energy to do things for all of my childhood. Grandma and Papa regularly came to Toledo for doctors appointments and would visit for dinner on their way back home. When my regular babysitter took a week of vacation every summer, I got to go stay with grandma and papa for the whole week. Eating cookies, watching the price is right, and helping grandma around the house. My mom and I also got the privilege of traveling about once a year with grandma and Papa. We visited places like Niagara Falls, Washington DC, Toronto, and of course, our family in North and South Carolina very often. I remember long rides in the car reading and playing games with Grandma while my mom and Papa drove us to our destination. As a kid, these things just seem fun and normal, but as I got older, I realize what a privilege it was to have these times and experiences with my grandparents and all of the things that it taught me that I see now in my day-to-day life.  Grandma instilled in me early on the importance of hard work and helping others. Her auxiliary work at the hospital in her retirement was one of my favorite things to go help with when I would stay in Adrian. She also showed me her dedication to others through her ministries and work at the church. Her community there was always strong, and the support the ladies of the sewing group showed her over the years was nothing short of incredible. I have a love for crafting, sewing, and needle point crafts to this day because of many summer time adventures at the sewing group with grandma. Grandma taught me a love for taking care of the earth and gardening. She taught me math from an early age through many games of cribbage with her and grandpa. I was the only one at the table allowed to have a cheat sheet to know all the combinations a deck of cards holds to make a 15. She taught me a love of reading with countless bedtime stories when I’d stay with them, and encouraging me to always choose a new story and share what she was reading. Going to the bookstore in downtown Adrian was always a big adventure. Education was a huge part of everything we did be it in the garden, at the county market, or even on vacations; grandma always found a way to teach a life skill, or impart her wisdom about the way of the world. Even through her work with the PEO into recent years helped me achieve my goals of getting my masters in speech pathology. Without her encouragement and support, I’m not sure where I’d be now. While grandma and papa’s house always was a place of safety and comfort, like stepping into a hug for a week at a time in the summers or just for a Saturday, I also knew how to toe the line. For every warm skill and important lesson instilled in me, grandma equally taught the importance of respecting your elders, appropriately managing emotions, and respectfully sharing opinions. The “teacher eyebrow” she would give when you began to goof off in a restaurant or church, or became a little hangry was enough to remind me to take a breath and try again. I always knew I couldn’t get away with too many “shenanigans” with grandma (unless it was her idea). It was such a pleasure to be able to introduce her to both of my children before she passed. She really loved kids and loved to watch them run and play and explore all the while saying “I’m glad I don’t have to take them home with me!” Or “you have your hands full don’t you?” There are times now where I say something or do a certain gesture and it reminds me of grandma and my mom because let’s face it at the end of the day we were all very similar in stubbornness, spunk, drive, and compassion. While grandma is no longer tangibly present in my life I know she’ll be with me for the rest of my life for all the things she wove into my being from the start. "