Haunting Thoughts That Keep Us Up

This week in many avenues of my life, the topic or idea of “forgiveness” has come up. I’m not a person who believes in coincidence, per se, but when 'heady' ideas that strike something inside of me come up not once, or twice, but three to four times in one week in my chosen media, I feel I should pay attention. The first two “sightings” of this concept of forgiveness came to me in podcasts.

The first, a story about a man who was wrongfully convicted of a crime and spent something like 17 years on death row before becoming exonerated and released. He spoke about the freedom of forgiving the “system” and the people and the courts that placed him in that situation, and how in seeing his circumstances as an opportunity instead of a sentence, he found so much more meaning in his life. Which, let’s pause here to say, holy cow, I don’t think I could be so bold and so forgiving – but more on that later. The second, was the story of a woman who was involved in a cult – yes you read that right – and recruited many people in, but in particular one young woman whom she thought could be a real friend; this young woman rose through the ranks of the “organization” and made it to the inner circle of the cult in which she has now been brainwashed and abused by the leader, but remains with this man to this day because she sees him as the ‘god’ he was portrayed to be in the beginning. The woman on the podcast, Sarah, spoke about the challenge in forgiving herself for her actions, teasing out the differences between her intentions and the harm that was caused to her friend because of her (Sarah’s) actions.

Finally, notably, forgiveness was the topic of conversation in one of my church’s daily devotionals this week and how we can think differently about what forgiveness means, and that forgiveness is an ongoing process in which we can forgive others because we first have been forgiven.

So by the point in the week, Wednesday, that I had been hit 3 times with this concept of forgiveness, I thought I better make some connections, take some reflection time, and think about how to apply it forward.

The following are some of my takeaways from my ponderings:

- Forgiveness is a verb; it’s something you have to actively choose to do, and in so, you have to continue to choose it day after day.

- What is forgiveness anyway? For me, it’s the thought of letting go. As was quoted in my church’s devotional: “Forgiveness is giving up on the idea that things are going to be different than what it is” (Ashley C. Ford) Letting go of expectations for how others “should” or “could have” acted in a situation, and understanding that the hurt of that cannot be erased, only worked through

o Which, let’s take an aside there for a moment – in all of these places this week, some form or fashion of intention and harm was brought to the conversation; it’s an important facet. My takeaway is this: your intensions matter for your own forgiveness (more on that below), but not so much for the person affected or harmed by your actions. It matters to you forgiving yourself that you did not intend harm to another person (if that is the case, maybe you did intend harm, and that’s a whole other conversation); however, to the person on the other end, it does not matter if you did or did not intend the harm, the harm is present.

- Forgiveness is not a one time deal; you cannot just say you have forgiven someone and it sticks, you may have to keep on forgiving them over and over, after all, your brain is human and you have good days and bad days

- Just that: you have good days and bad days; some days it is easier to forgive than others – be patient and gracious to yourself

- Be patient and gracious to others as well; you see for yourself how difficult and ongoing the process of forgiveness is in you, mind that others are dealing with the same struggles

- Some people are harder to forgive than others; it might be easier to forgive the stranger who stole your wallet, than your family member who said something horrendous to you

- Just because you forgive someone, does not mean you have to allow them back in to the position where you can be hurt again. You are allowed to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Read that last part again. And again. You can set boundaries, and forgive the person. You can forgive a person and still choose a relationship with them, it just may look different (or non-existent); it doesn’t mean you didn’t fully forgive them, it just means you respect yourself.

And really the biggest part for me: you need to learn how to forgive yourself – potentially first – before you can forgive others. Think about that for yourself for a moment. What keeps you up at night, and gnaws at you? What are those actions, and words you have sent out into the world, and immediately wished you could reel back in? Whether or not the person on the receiving end feels slighted, or you even saw the result of it, what are those things? (What comes to mind for me are some of those dumb things you said or did in middle school and you look back now and you’re like “oh my god” *cringe* why did I do/say that?) Those count too, in fact. And think then, how can I forgive myself? How can I accept that this is where I am today, and forgive my old self for those things? For me, it’s just that thought exactly, that was my old self. That’s where I used to be in life. Whether maturation, time, or growth has caused things to be different, embrace it. You are not today who you were yesterday, for better or for worse, we get up every day and we can choose to be someone different. We can strive for better. Try, try with all your might to forgive yourself, show yourself grace for how things were, and the situations you were in, and the emotional maturity you had then, that maybe you dealt with that situation the best you could in that time and place; and then try to put it down. Lay it to rest in your memories, and move forward into the next best step of your life. Don’t be haunted by those things in the past; allow yourself to “give up the idea that things will be different than they are”; but choose better next time. Do the work to better yourself, and try to show more grace and love next time. Again, this is an ongoing process, something that takes effort and action on your part every day, moment to moment, whenever those haunting thoughts start to surface.

AND THEN, try to think that the person on the other end of your harm, might be having the same struggle. They too might have been doing the best they could in the situation for the experience, growth level, and maturity they possessed in the moment. They too might still be haunted by the thing they did to you, and maybe they’re not, but don’t let it eat you alive for the rest of forever. Try to show them some grace, as you would like to show yourself, and try to find some peace in the ability to move forward with boundaries, knowing you can forge your own new path.

This is hard. Like, seriously. I’ve thought about this all week. I’ve been confronted with forgiveness this week and failed at it. I’m just placing these thoughts here as a reference for myself, so that when I need grounding for what I’ve heard and has made an impact in the past, I can remember and try again.

I pray that you find the time and space to search yourself, to meditate on the idea of at least forgiving yourself so that you can shine some more of your light into the dark world. It is needed.